quiet disconnection

i try to be

but

       never will

i do not

                fit

repetition, repetition, repetition, i can not help myself but repeat, i  am looking for an anchor, something to steady the ship of my being. it frustrates and angers my colleagues, and i can see that but at the same time, i can not stop myself, i am calling for help, but no one understands my call. should i ask for help, explain what i need? how do i even turn this into words, would they feel guilt for their reactions, would i feel humiliation. i already feel humiliated. i care about these people but i don’t want them to see my depression, i will only make them wrong. my disconnection is real.

i try to be

but

       never will

i do not

                fit

the face, the mask, the part i play ruins me slowly more and more every day, when will the facade drop. i finish the day and go home to lie in the dark, my hopes and dreams lie in pieces, destroyed by work. i am scared of where this will end, there will be no respite, and no salvation, i will make mistakes until the day i die, and that is the only certainty. there is no god that will offer me freedom from this life of spite as i struggle to balance life, love, and work. my humanity is failure, all i can offer is mistakes, hidden by small successes. 

i try to be

but

       never will

i do not

                fit

success, people talk about it, what is it though, it does not feel tangible or real. how do i find it at work. is it another mask that you can put on when the performance demands it.  

i do, though, through all embrace hope.