quiet disconnection

ｉ ｓｔａｎｄ

By

i stand

          not seen

not heard

          not alive

when do i leave

i stand

            i stand

i want to leave

if i must imagine sisyphus happy, do i really have to give up on meaning? nobody will ever remember me happy but merely as a speck on the dust of humanity. I wonder if i am going too far down a philosophical dead end as i sit and type, my face reflecting the timid glow of my laptop screen as dark characters chase the cursor along the page, is it really a page if it is a digital version of paper? the news is playing on another tab, feeling as if it is another life as quantities of life are wiped out in a sentence and then on to the next sentence, life is fleeting and these people are getting more than most while at the same time getting what feels like a mere footnote on the news which by itself is a mere footnote on the channels footage of the day. death buried beside survivor stories, bookended by comedy and weather. we show a complete indifference to life unless we feel that society is looking in on us and then we perform a ritual of condemnation of whichever side we are told are wrong, a promise to boycott that will be forgotten as we walk around the corner or click on that tab to buy, we show solidarity with the oppressed, a dance we weave as we perform for society, society is watching after all, we are free but we are not we are only performative dancers. 

i stand

          not seen

not heard

          not alive

when do i leave

i stand

            i stand

i want to leave

the world is no longer redeemable, we are not active but passive, we are all npcs. i crave solitude but am i being true to myself, have i been cultured to feel that solitude is what i crave as i stand looking at society and seeing nothing worth believing in. am i though acting in bad faith, playing a character of the person i want to be while not being true to myself, a charade but ultimately is not all of humanity a charade, we all want to be sitting, doing creative things and not worried about money, money the ultimate betrayal of humanity, a construct we made to make life harder, not easier as economists tell us. it is as much a tool of control as prison, police, laws, except money is harder to evade and the more we seek it the harder it becomes to find.